Posts Tagged ‘funny’
That’s what you get for trying to be tough around a treadmill. Full video below:
Full video below:
“Why do American girls play these games?”, my buddy asks. He’s French. Now in New York City, he’s a 21st century Tocqueville of sorts. But instead of seeing the boundless potential of American democracy, Jean is puzzled by the Byzantine paradoxes of the American dating scene: “Why do they always wait 2+ hours before texting back?”, “Why are they so sarcastic?”
Now I know in Europe there are probably Absinthe-fueled sex parties on the regular, but we’re in America. Call us quaint, but we never did shed our Puritan roots. And we’ve impeached a President for less. There are rules here:
She Asks, “Does This Make Me Look Fat?”: Smile sweetly and say, “Nothing could make you look fat.” WARNING: Any variation from this answer may result in death by impalement.
McFlurries: The ideal date dessert. And Oreo, not M&M. You need the crumbles.
She Says Nothing Is Wrong: She means, everything is. All hands on deck. We’re at DEFCON 5.
The 3 Day Rule (Alternatively: The 7 Day, Second Tuesday From Now, Sometime Before Labor Day Rule): You seem desperate if you call that Sunday evening. I hate this rule and fortunately the taboo seems to be lifting. I’m not calling you the next day because I’m miserable. I’m calling you the next day because I like you and really want to talk to you.
Gold Diggers: See: Manhattan, The Upper East Side.
Pick Up Lines: The Most Interesting Man In The World from the Dos Equis beer ads put it best: “There’s a time and a place for them. The time is never. I’ll let you figure out the place for yourself.”
“The Game” Pick-Up Artists: A book “The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-up Artists” hit bookshelves in 2004 and has ruined malls and parks ever since. The book empowered legions of sketchy dudes to pursue girls by picking on their self-esteem. Tactics include: carrying around a piece of lint and placing it on the target’s shoulder; off-putting lines (called “negs”) like: “Your eyes are pretty. May I touch them?” I won’t deny these creeps occasionally outpunt their coverage. But I also won’t deny they dress like fairies and have no friends.
The “Super Bad” Rule: No, not one-name fake IDs. Or that awkward, angst-ridden teens will conquer the world. But Seth Rogen’s tip, “a major turning point in my life was when I realized you don’t want to meet a chick in a bar. Go to a farmer’s market or a pumpkin patch… depending on the time of year.” a) You don’t want to tell your kids you met their mom during a sweaty game of flip cup at Brother Jimmy’s. b) If a girl hooks up with you the first night at a bar, you aren’t her first, nor the last. You know when Woody Allen quips, “I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.” It’s kind of like that…
Woody Allen: Woody achieved arguably one of the greatest human accomplishments of the 20th century in 1977. He made bespectacled, neurotic Manhattan Jews sexually viable, even desirable, to women with the movie “Annie Hall”. Think of NASA astronauts who walked on the moon and what they’ve done since.
Once you reach the zenith of human achievement, what do you do with yourself on sleepy Saturday afternoons? Most drink, get depressed. Woody Allen opted to cheat with and then marry his girlfriend’s adopted daughter.
Mila Kunis: Sure, Megan Fox and Jessica Alba crack every fella’s top 5 hottest women on the planet list. But deep down, we are obsessed with Mila Kunis from “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”. Her smoldering, white-hot looks overshadowed only by her down-for-whatever, Hawaiian persona. Deep down, every 20-something guy wishes he was with her. Ironic because she’s dating Macaley Culkin. Who every 20-something guy wishes he was… when he was 7.
What Could Have Been: The four saddest words in the English language. Just ask her. Obviously, easier said than done. But worst case scenario, she says no. Best case, she’s your wife.
Take heart, Jean. The love of your life will be one in a million. So if she’s in New York City there should 7 of them.